grim horizons

2003-08-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

and i think i would like to run from this town because thoughts and people want to chase me out of it. i'm sick of tenth graders acting like sixth graders. i think the ineviatble immaturity and backstabbing tendencies of this town are throwing me out. and i don't mind. but it's hard to deal with the fact that your best friend is choosing to act like a sixth grader when she can be a great tenth grader. i feel like simon could care less about some things i wish he did. i know that i am over-reacting, but i just hate the feeling in my stomach. i wish i could hide. i wish i could talk to alen. actually i could. alen is a great, great person. i admire him. he acts his age. he handles situation in what i see as a mature way. i admire amy. amy is her age, and she is beautiful and smart. i admire hannah because hannah handles things like me, and we have similar thoughts.
i need to get out of the house and to band. it will make me happy to see karl again. it will make me happy to see zach and possibly invite him to coney island. i want to have chocolate. but, i dont have any. i really want something like cake or brownies. i could always make some brownies right now.
i think i will go and practice the damn trombone, it's pointless, but who cares. maybe if i practice enough mrs. adams will notice me. or maybe this will be another year of being shoved into the shadows.

2003-08-11T17:55:00.000-05:00

i can't understand, but everything simon says somehow rather discourages me. i don't understand, but everytime he says that zach will go out with me, i still feel as if he were lying to me. i wanted to ask him to go to coney island with me for my mom's company picnic. and simon says maybe not because he may feel uncomfortable. i don't know. and everything is beginning to irritate me. my mom, my dad. everything is annoying me.....i am just going to go insane. my dad talks so loud, and he always talks as if he were yelling or angry. and i think i'm losing it. i don't know why i am irasible. i sleep well, but i wake up and all i want to do is cry. it's as if life is hopeless. i am so sick of my life. all i want is to get out of here for a bit. somewhere where no one knows me.
maybe if i lived with band. or maybe if i could actually talk to simon in person. maybe if i could go to disneyworld and forget all troubles. maybe if i dated zach and had that on my mind instead of this. having a boyfriend distracts me from things, or maybe just makes me happy. or confident. or normal.
i better go. i better get away. i'm going insane....

2003-08-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

i think i may end up with a year even better than my freshmen one. last night, i was sitting on a couch next to the cutest boy, in my opinion, in the freshmen grade. he's never had a girlfriend, but he's got the most beautiful features in the world. and what does a girl like me do to deserve that?
probably a lot, in truth. i act myself, and maybe that's the reason i may be dating this cool guy in a little more then two weeks. not hiding myself under a layer of pancake dust and black eyeliner has finally paid off. a bit of brown eye liner here and there, only on the top, it's okay. but my makeup has always been minimal when i wear it. and zach, is cuter than any guy i have ever dated. and better, as simon stated last night, "you have had all crappy boyfriends." and, wow, oh wow last night was fun.
zach was the first one to arrive, as i expected. he's actually almost always on time, that part of him is much like me. he sat down with me and we talked for awhile. i don't think it was awkward. then cindy came, and we talked, then i put the lasgana out. hannah and simón arrive at about 6:30, then we ate. we had salad, lasgana, and garlic bread. and we talked a lot. zach finished his dinner quickly, he seemed to like it a lot, as did everyone else. he sat diagonal from me, but i was also the last to sit down. cindy was at the head, simón across from me, and me next to hannah. we talked about things, and it was good. then we went, sat down, ate pie, and alen finally came. he walked around for 2 hours trying to find the house...he arrived at like 7:30, then had to leave at like 8:30. hannah, zach, and simón stayed until ten. we watched some dexter's labratory and talked a lot. watching was talking. everything was talking. i rented drumline, but we never watched it.
when they left, i went night driving with my dad. it was a great time.
i've finally got a picture of zach. i am going to try and put it up and take down a lot of my old pictures. i dont like 'em much.
i am losing weight. like 7-8 pounds. i'm so proud of me. then if i ask out zach, my life will be something.
and i'm going to go write some......

2003-08-08T14:52:00.000-05:00

yeah, kind of insane...it's going to be a bit weird, only because they are both two of my closest friends. but, i know neither of their trust in me will waiver.....unless they get stupid, but neither of them will. it would be cool becuase then jennifer will get her lisecence, and if i ever ask out zach, we could double date. i just have to get courage to ask out the cute guy. but, that's going to work out well...
i've had a boring week. i got a new motuhpiece for my trombone, and i might be getting a new trombone. i am going to a sleepover tonight for my youth group leader's fiance. her name is missy and she is really sweet. it should be fun, but i'm still a bit scared since some of the girls in youth group can get really immature. i haven't been to a sleepover with girls like that in over a year. the last time i had a sleepover with more then one or maybe two girls was the "trombone girl sleepover" which was me, claire, kimi, and hannah after a bon-fire one night. it was great fun too, it was right after a football game, the one where we gave out senior gifts.
i'm so weird....well, i'm actually going to work on some stuff with the webpage and maybe a poem or too.....later....

2003-08-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

i feel like banging my head againist a desk. i called jennifer and was like, "hey." in a monotone voice, a voice so unlike mine. not cold but rather just really out of whack and kind of careless. i asked her if she was going out with narayan that night, in the same voice, she didn't notice. she said she wasn't allowed to do to a family movie night. i asked if she wanted to call me afterward. it was still such a voice, a voice like i really didn't want to talk but felt like i had to. well, of course, that is why i called. she was like "yea, sure!" i dunno. she didn't even notice....it just makes me sit and think, "yeah, great 'best' friend i got here." well, maybe i should be immature and demote her. well, not that i am being mature now. well, at least i am handling it. it's just been driving me insane. ugh. damn this life.

2003-08-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

hate the world today
you're so good to me
i know but I can't change
tried to tell you
but you look at me like maybe
i'm an angel underneath
innocent and sweet
yesterday i cried
must have been relieved to see
the softer side
i can understand how you'd be so confused
i don't envy you
i'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one
i'm a bitch, i'm a lover
i'm a child, i'm a mother
i'm a sinner, i'm a saint
i do not feel ashamed
i'm your hell, i'm your dream
i'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way
so take me as i am
this may mean
you'll have to be a stronger man
rest assured that
when i start to make you nervous
and i'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing
chorus
just when you think, you got me figured out
the season's already changing
i think it's cool, you do what you do
and don't try to save me
chorus

i'm a bitch, i'm a tease
i'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
i'm your angel undercover
i've been numb, i'm revived
can't say i'm not alive
you know i wouldn't want it any other way

i feel that. i feel it so bad. jennifer likes zach. she apprently went to his house after we came back from lunch and now wants to tell me all about it. i dont tell her all about the dinner we had or make her jealous. and she knew it. ugh. i am so angry. it just hurts. i called nan to save myself. i was crying. and nan has problems too. her stupid boyfriend's friend told everybody this thing about her and her boyfriend to her whole youth group.
i can't stand it. the one time i find a great guy who i might have a chance with, jennifer likes him. key word: cute guy. i always find guys no other of my friends go for but of course this one time, jennifer goes for him kind of. of course, she still has a boyfriend. why couldn't she have gone for karl? just last friday i was telling her how i liked zach and brian. and she jsut goes for him. and she knows i would ask him out. she said how we both have an "equally good chance." but if she is flirting with him too, and i ask him out, it's going to be bad. she's really not even a good friend. well, she is and isn't. like, she is goofy with me. but when i am really depressed, i put up away messages and stuff towards her about how like she ignores me all summer because of her college friends and like how in the school year when i am busy i don't ignore her and i still notice she's depressed. gosh, she used to put a big, bold, italic S in her profile. i noticed, i knew because i paid attention. she was feeling bad, stupid, the s stood for stupid. i was right. and she goes and like the same guy as me when she has a boyfriend. a boyfriend who tells danny laub i gavehim a hand job, when i didn't, and she doesn't do anything. a boyfriend who blocked me and called me arrogant and said he hated me: she doesn't do anything. yeah, she thinks real high of my friendship. at marching band she "demoted" me to second best friend because i was talking to hannah and brian ward about the march off and i wouldn't go talk to her as she sat in a locker. i don't think it was serious because later she forgot what it was...but i was busy. it's stupid, and it's childish. maybe i shouldn't like zach. at this rate, what i need is someone mature. zach is definately mature, too mature for jennifer actually. if alen and i start hanging out more, i am worried i may start liking him because he's like mature and cool. but i like zach a lot right now, i like brian too though. but..i dunno. she always talks about how she really likes karl and blake. i stayed away from them. i don't see why she had to come and like zach. why not peter? life just sucks. i was so happy when i left today because i got to sit next to zach and our legs kept touching on accident and it was kinda sweet. it's kind of a close thing to just let your leg rest on someone's for bit because it means you like trust them to me. and then jennifer comes and is like, "YEAH i went to zach's with them and we did all this fun stuff, but i am going out with narayan right now so i have to tell you later! have a great night!" then she was like, "love ya!" i was so close to just being like, "yea, well, screw you." i was just in tears. all that came to my mind was that song. and then she goes out with her just graduated senior friend. ugh. and i'm stuck here. reading a book, wishing, wishing zach winters liked me.
now nan is cheering me up. i might as well get off. i am stupid and self-pitying but right now i just kind of am really upset. the one time...ugh. zach would be the cute boyfriend. he wouldn't look utterly like a monkey. he wouldn't be creepy. he wouldn't look like a rat. he wouldn't look like he hadn't seen sunlight in months. zach has never had a girlfriend, but he's got beautiful blue eyes, and tanned skin . he's got brown hair and white teeth--braces right now but i thought they were perfect before. he's just handsome. i guess hot, but hot isn't like the personality. he's gorgeous. he's a gentleman, and he's....nice. and smart. and for once, i just don't get why i can't have the nice guy. this......just.....sucks.....
i want to call jennifer's cell phone and leave a message. today she kept bumping into me. i called her a bitch, jokingly. but it was really annoying. and embarrassing because eventually she smashed me into zach. i was really not happy with. she acts like she's still in 8th grade, only she's in 10th now. and it is finally catching up to me. becuase i look and i see, "hey, when i had all my junior friends over none of them annoyed the shit out of me!" why? because they are mature. they are goofy and seroius, they just...they are brilliant. they are the people i want to be.
my stomach's growling but i ate a lot yesterday and i ate at the top of my points range so i am trying to eat little today. i want to lose more weight. but really, this week went quick. quicker than i thought. now i need.....a friend. maybe tomorrow i will go outside with the new cheap 12 dollar target jean's i got and swing on the swing. maybe i will go layoutside when the stars come out and write something. maybe i will wallow in self pity. maybe jennifer will call. since she didn't figure out form my major hints when she was like "we have to talk" and i was just like "ohm, uh, okay, yeah, i guess" in four separate IMs. then the love ya! thing. it's such an 8th grade girl thing to do. ugh, she is just back in eighth grade while i am past 9th. it makes me insane. she can't handle a boyfriend. she can't handle herself. it's like dealing with my 4 year old neighbor....only if she were corrupted.
i just found this away message i have. i think that it is a further seems forever song. but it is me right now. i am glad i put it up....
it's a kind of loneliness....it's a kind of emptiness....but i'm not trying, i'm rehearsing.....for the perfect day

2003-08-01T13:50:00.000-05:00

last day of band camp, and i got to go out to lunch with one of the cutest freshmen in the world.....zach. it was me, simon, zach, peter, hannah, nick, and karl. and i sat next to zach. it was great fun. well, lunch.
anyhow. it's been a week. i don't have time anymore. i've been busy. everymorning at 8 we march to the junior high with a partner.....well i've always been with zach or brian. and if i keep losing weight (i've lost like 5 pounds) i am definately going to get another boyfriend out of band. wednesday was kind of bad because kimi was getting angry becasue of the march off and changing things. we lost the march-off because neither alex nor dean showed up to do the "acting like God" thing. we were going to do a mess-up box. and mike was going to yell "you guys SUCK! i try so bad to get you to listen, but you don't....you never shut up. you guys are so awful it's not funny. we'd need some sort of divine spirit, a saint i say, to SAVE THIS SECTION!" then all of the sudden, alex gruber, who looks like jesus, comes out and we march perfectly. well gruber couldnt come. well we called dean and by the time dean told us he couldn't we didn't have time to find anyone. then we sucked and messed up. the horns won because they were cute.
thrusday was great. we went out to dinner as a section, and one trumpet came. nathan is his name, and he rocks. i sat at the head of the table inbetween zach and nathan. zach and i sit together a lot. the freshmen were having knife fights and we were a bit late to band. but mrs. adams didn't care because we called. well, blake was funny. when the waitress was taking orders, after we got our drinks, she got to blake and blake was like "which chicken do you recommend?" and she was like, " well, i've never had it becaue i am a vegetarian." then he was like, "oh....well, uh...i want this one then..." then right after joe orders blake says very loudly.."hey....he stole my lemon!" it was quite funny. hannah, zach, mark, peter, nick, nathan, and i were laughing at them, then peter starts sawing off a part of his straw with his knife. it was quite funny. then he starts stabbing his ice with the knife. peter is so funny. when he does something weird or kinda bad he does this really funny smile. peter rocks....
well, the fence we go through has obviously been tampered with. someone has tried to fix it. which REALLY sucks. at the parent performance last night, it was raining so we palyed in the auditorium. and i stood next to brian. i just can't decide if i like brian or zach. zach is like me, but so is brian. i just have to wait...
now it's weird though. zach is realllyyy cute. brian is cute, but not like handsome like zach. zach is really a gentlemen, not that brian isn't, but today when we were going to lunch zach held the door open, and held the barbed wire part of the fence back for me and stuff. brian is cool though, but this stupid french horn always flirts with him. well i am going to focus on history for a bit. later.

2003-07-28T06:38:00.000-05:00

for the life of me...i can not remember...what made us think that we were wise and we'd ever comprimise...for the life of me...i can not believe that we'd ever die for these sins....we were merely freshmen
i love old 90's music. i love the past. i love nostaglia. i am going to make amy and i a 95/97 CD, maybe even a tape for old timers sake. it's going to be great. i am just not makign it now. i have my backpack packed so we can all march to dumont today. i ate peaches but by stomach kind of hurts. i am just going to have to deal. well, i leave in ten minutes so i might as well go ahead and go....i need to pee and stuff but just wanted to write.

2003-07-27T20:22:00.000-05:00

so, wow, i think danny laub has a crush on me. the other day he was talking to me and randomly was like, "if i asked you out, what would you say?" i kind of thought, bit my lip, and then was like, "uhm, i really don't know." i couldn't say, "you know, i don't think i would say yes because right now i just am not attracted to you, so, no." because why break his heart when he isn't doing anything? i acted stupid like i didn't know what he was playing at, and i was like, "why do you ask?" he was just like, "never mind." so, we started talking about queer eye for the straight guy, since apprently he watches the show too. and in mid-conversation, he was like, "who do you like?" i was thinking, alright, i know he means in a crush way, but i will respond in a brainless way and hope he backs off. so i start talking about how my favorite gay guy on the show is the food guy because he has this cool aura about him, and he'd be so cool to hang out with becuase he'd be able to teach you so much. and danny was just like, "no in real life, like in madeira." i was thinking, damn, in my head, but i was just like, "you know...i don't really know. i guess no one because usually i will do something but since i am not really going after anyone...yeah, no one." that wasn't really a lie because i am just kind of devoloping crushes on zach winters and brian ward, but really i wasn't going to be like, yeah danny, i've got a kind of crush on two other guys in your grade...but all of them are kind of cool and i can't quite decide yet because my mind is wonky. but, you are just a friend and i am not attracted to you, but you can think i am if you want! so he was like, "oh damn," then said something.....it was angry. then he told me he had a band and we talked about that. that was the end of that because i had to get off because it was like 15 minutes before like 8 of my friends came over. steve, ana, amy, clare, hannah, and alen all arrived at the same time. we sat down and talked, and then stephanie came over. we talked all night and watched the 200 top pop culture icons. we almost watched willy wonka but really, we never stopped talking. there was so much to say. it's weird though because they are all juniors and i am a sophomore. but i noticed something: this is the one time i have ever left my friends in the room and not had to worry they were talking about me. why? because these people like me. now that i have real friends: mostly juniors and sophomores, i like it. it's a cool, nifty feeling.
today my mom and i went shopping and i got a back-pack for band camp because we have to march to the elementary school from the high schol because of the field. there was a trench in the middlle and someone came and fized it,a nd now no one can be on the field for five weeks. so...us 100 or so kids are cadencing to the field every morning. oh yes, this could be fun.
the neighbors got home today.......so i spent most of my tiem after 4 with caitlyn and sarah. caitlyn and i read some harry potter, made italian ice, and watched willy wonka. now i am stuck watching something on nelly which is making me like him. it is making me happy though. it's actually cool. nelly deserves some admiration. he doesn't sing about angry, hardcore, crap. OH MY GOSH....that one nelly song the one that sounds like a kid's rhyme...WELL IT WAS BASED ON THE KIDS SONG. i remember i bought the cd just becuase i thought it was the kids rhyme. i really want band to be good tommoroow. i need to find something that will make it better for the kids......maybe dad and i can go to kroger's before hand and everytime people do something well i can give the bag to kimi to run along and give it to people. or damn, maybe i could jsut do it. because why would i help someone who already got there award. i'm still pissed about not getting that award.
next week.....is the march off. we will win.....because we've got the best.

2003-07-26T10:43:00.000-05:00

there is nothing that feels better then having possibly the cutest freshmen agree to bumper slow dance with you. i could have been knocking into the seroius slow dancing couples with zach winters, the freshmen tuba, but no one stupid slow danced. i was like, damn you all! finally, band is getting better. i was dealing with tyler, the freshmen were all talking to me a bunch, and i was really just happy. the band dance was last night. jennifer and i went for like a good two hours which is amazing because i wanted to stay for thirty minutes. i had an okay time. i only danced a bit alongside like karl and zach. karl is the coolest dancer. he has rhythm but his main dance is kind of standing there, looking all peaful and bobbing. he looks very pleasant--much like a little kid who just finished a cherry popsicle. amy said it was an apt depiction, i think it is too. well, i am out to lunch, i will finish my descriptions sooner.

2003-07-23T07:38:00.000-05:00

what is better to start off the day with a fruit cup, a mint, and a dose of "queer eye for the straight guy." i love the show, i had alen watching it with me last night. i think that last night talking to alen was helpful to both of us. he was kind of dating this girl who goes to loveland but it wasn't official, and all of the sudden she stopped talking to him. she wouldn't return phone calls, and he called and he started being a real bitch to her. and he was really hurt because for two weeks she had been at camp and he sent her a cheers tape through ups--both things she really liked. and he cared about her a lot. but then he found out that her friends were there when she turned him down and they were laughing. so, that kind of brought a lot together, and he called her and was being as he says a dick, but i'm not sure it was that bad with all the stuff he really had put up with. i felt so horrible. i wanted to help him, and i think i just may have. and that gives me a better feeling than anything. it makes me feel like my life had become happier because maybe someone else's has.
but band starts in 20 minutes, and i am going to have to make today a lot better. it will take a lot, but it should be alright. maybe. i would love to just hide with the freshmen and juniors and have my own band. things would be easier--but life doesn't work like that now does it.
well, i a going to rest and watch these gay men restyle this straight guy. again. i just never get sick of it..........

2003-07-22T18:26:00.000-05:00

Alen13345 (7:14:24 PM): truer words were never spoken
KCKisyourfriend (7:14:26 PM): i wish i could stop growing up and grow down. growing up is depressing because each step brings more pain. if only i could be eight forever
Alen13345 (7:14:29 PM): amen to that

so maybe it's alen who will save me this time. maybe he will know exactly. i think maybe. i hope maybe.

2003-07-22T17:12:00.000-05:00

i think that this stupid cartoon is me. it's a bad sabrina--hilda gets a promotion when zelda does all the work. it's so sad how it's exactly me........
if it weren't for danny laub today, i don't know if i would have ever gotten to feel better. the beginning of today was okay--we got on the field, played two little games which i was very bad at, then began to march. at first we did it together and kimi was wanting them to do all sorts of weird crap. well, once we got them to guide, we went on one-on-two or one-on-one thing. kimi got help from lu and karl and blake worked with them. i got simon and zach, who are both very good marchers, and we worked. then tyler and andy drilled on peter and brian. brian is good he just can't guide and, like me, tell left from right. poor peter--tyler made him carry his sousaphone...i would never make zach. i told them i wouldn't. i am kind of easy on the freshman--but that is the way to be. well, we went in to see who freshman buddies were. there were not enough juniors and seniors to cover them all, so some sophomores got positions. well......i about died. i looked and saw:

Trombone:
Simon - Hannah
Karl - Kimi
Blake - Tyler

Baritone:
Brian - Andy.

well, i knew that there were two tubas and only mike--the only person left was me becuase i was the only other person in my grade was coming. i looked all around at the tubas--thinking i probably got zach since i was working with him a lot too. somewhere along there--i saw it.

Tubas:
Zach - Mike
Peter - Nick

if you've ever felt like you haven't eaten in days, and something, cold, and horrible has just landed in your stomach then you know how i feel. i turned away quickly and walked very fast towards the field. i needed alone time. i walked behind the bleachers. i began to think--i began to talk to myself. "i make candy bags. i practice not only on trombone, but on piano. i play well. i made 4th chair. i make cupcakes. i clean the band room......i don't get an award. i don't get noticed. i don't even get a freshmen buddy," and then i started to sob.
i read something once that the worst time to be alone is when you're depressed....i know it now. i cried until i saw some people coming from the band room, then i got up and made my way over to the farthest corner and laid on a patch of grass. blake came over, his trombone was there because it is where we march as a section, and said hello. and i was angry. i wanted the band to feel revenge. i wanted to strike mrs adams somewhere that she could feel. not violently, not physically, but emotionally. i looked at blake and said, "wouldn't it be funny if i fell in the middle of the show? fell and didn't get back up. fell and watched people march around me?" surprisingly, he agreed, and didn't seem to think i was weird at all. actually, this made me happy. then kimi came over. i can never handle myself well when i am feeling incredibly over emotional. well,i was mad. and i told her and started bawling. i sat for awhile then deicded to suck it up because lu was controlling four of the freshmen. i was okay in front of them because i can't let them know how upset i was. eric mills, the only clarinet i can stand, told me he was staying for lunch, and i was going to talk to him then. he didn't. i was left alone and went to go back under the bleachers, but a maintenance man was there. i walked along the black gravel, i mean, i suppose it's gravel, track for 20 minutes until someone came up from the woods. the woods leads to the business area, up by the mall and restaurants like penn station. it was danny laub, a freshmen trumpet played who i had been friends with until he called amy a big nosed freak. well, i love amy, so i was mad. but i followed him. we were getting ready to get chairs into the cafeteria, but when we got there mrs. adams and mrs. stagg, along with other band instructors, were sitting there with a bunch of chairs around them. we pushed the 12 chairs back and i heard a cruel laugh. i swear it was about me. they never saw danny. well, i todl danny who was behind me, and we scooted back down the lockered hall way. we went back into the band room, deserted now, and sat down in the drum area, next to the chimes and some random things left by the pit because they had no need for them. i began to talk to danny.....i sat down...and tears started flowing...."i'm sorry," i stuttered quietly.
"it's okay..," he said, evenly though soothingly.
i told him everything. i told him about the freshmen buddy thing. i told him about being fourth chair--above tyler. i told him about nick getting a buddy and not even coming. i told him about last year--how i made the canyd bags, how i cleaned the band room, how i came in at commontime.
"mrs. adams always told the band how tyler and mark always came in at commontime. i was there everyday they were.... she always talked about how well andy knew his dynamics....i did mine perfectly and i talked to andy later. he told me he just knew how the music went and did what felt right." he ... knew. mrs. adams had never liked him either. then, brian came in. i was telling danny how brian and andy were the only buddies that made sense. we started talking about how mrs. adams hated me.
"why does she hate you," brian asked. "it doesn't make sense. you help out and seem liek a good player."
"good question--i don't really know myself. but, back in seventh in eighth grade i was bad. our whoel low brass section had a pact--if you took your instrument home to play, you automatically were kind of ostracized. she used to look at us hopelessly, and say 'did anyone in the low brass practice over break.' we would all look around at each other, and no one would raise their hand. tyler claims not to have practice, but he got first chair and always seemed good. so, mrs. adams pretty much hated the low brass. then in my freshmen year, i got good. i practiced and i had ambition. i dont really know why she hates me now." i said it while looking back and forth between the two of them. "yeah, mrs adams only likes me because i was the best of the baritones. ian was horrible and didn't want to be playing. tim was a first time player and was awful. they just played random notes," said brian. it made sense, i nodded, then danny spoke. "if she wouldn't have let you be in band, or yelled at you, it would be a problem. out eighth grade low brass was 9 people, and if any of them wouldn't or wasn't allowed to do it, none of the others would. they were a tight little pack, if simon didn't do it, neither would blake, and so on."
we talked for a bit longer and then we started to move stands to the cafeteria for the brass and organize chairs. we got one thank you--andy kunkel. he came over to me and was like, "did you do this?" i nodded.
"me, him, and brian." i pointed to danny laub. he looked at me, smiled, and gave me a hug and said thanks. andy knows. andy really knows me. i knew that if weren't for danny right then, and then brian i wouldn't have been able to go home. i knew i would stay tense and be all bitchy. if it weren't for them: i don't know what would have happened. simon kept smiling down at me when i was looking off and all distant. i smiled back and almost cried. simon is a great friend, simon would have listened fine. i kind of wished i would have told simon but i just talked to the first person who came. and i came out with two amazing friends who may keep me through this year. and brian is kind of cute. he's probably about 5 foot 6 or something and has reddish-brown hair and green eyes. he really is a cool kid..........

i sat inbetween hannah and andy during practice and did well. mrs. stagg yelled at me for writing in simon's and blake's postions--but they don't know all the note postions i do and stuff--that's why i was doing it. i thought maybe she'd realize i was helping, but instead she bitched at me. then later when the second trombones messed up a f sharp and blake and simon knew it because it was on their paper, mrs. stagg was like "is it?" and was looking down at something. and i was like, "yeah, f sharp is g flat and g flat is in fifth." she ignored me and kept going.
i finally got out of that hell--but my twenty minute walk gave me a lot to think about. why last year had it been mrs. stagg to tell me i sounded much better and mrs adams had never said a thing? how come they never said thank you for all that i did? how come i didn't get an award for going all out for band when sixteen seniors and juniors had to ride on the back of a sleigh around madeira for "st nick's sleigh ride" playing and i brought them sixteen cups of hot cocoa? how come i don't get recognition? why do i feel like this? i have nothing left.....simon is gone. i can't tell jennifer because she isn't serious enough. nan isn't even in band. i haven't told this much to amy or hannah and they might think i am stupid. i have no friends. i have no one who cares. why can't eric or anyone else notice that i am so depressed it's not even funny? i always wondered why people wanted to die--i think i know. because they really are sad. they really feel underestimated.
maybe tomorrow will be better-i don't believe it. i fell today while demonstrating for the freshmen. my foot got caught in the long grass. hten me falling and getting right up became a example of what you should do if you do fall and some ass of a freshmen kept making fun of me. i wanted to hurt him. i wanted to cause him pain. but i know better.
well, i will be okay. eventually. i am writing to the "i am loved" people to try and get buttons for the whole band. hopefully, i will get the 220 buttons i am asking for. well, i need to concentrate so i better be off.

2003-07-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

it's too bad that my section makes me happy because mrs. adams makes me mad. if it weren't for my section, i would quit band because i swear this woman hates me. she gives me weird looks and tells me to stop talking to hannah when i am asking her a question about rhythms. drives me insane. argh, the stupid diet i am on. if i wouldn't have eaten a cupcake earlier i would be able to eat a bit more. i already ate 11 points worth today--a slim fast meal replacement bar, a luna bar, and a cupcake. i have 9 more to go. i want to go ride my bike for a bit, but i need to think about today...
really, sophomores are not supposed to go to pre-camp but i did anyway--and of course, so did tyler. since tyler is mrs. adam's favorite trombone, i'm sure she loves that he is there. but i did help, i taught simon how to march, and his backwards marching is amazing--and he's cool. i made the section cupcakes that everyone loved. chocolate-cherry--they are good too. now i want bread or chex mix..i love food too much. anyhow, i had fun at the beginning, except when our section wouldn't focus--i really get annoyed at that. well, about 8 of us went to chipolte for lunch and that was fun. i don't like it, so i just ate my slim fast bar and sat with simon and peter--who also had bagged lunches. blake came over with his food. those three are good freshmen, i like them. after that, we came back and began to learn music. ah, music. it would just be good if we had a show that judges liked and we could play. this woman would like us to be this great drum corps--we're not. we're a small band with too many trumpets and not enough flutes. it's stupid--i swear her brain has a hamster on lcd running it's wheels because she claims not to be on anything. this is going to be .... interesting because it's fun to be with the section, but the music is insanely stupid--as it our director. i got a ride with amy, who really is my role model. she's pretty and cool. she's got a "defined" nose but for her it actually works because she has these beautiful eyes...they are that perfect almond shape. i don't know--she just defines cool to me. not to mention she is nice and incredibly witty and funny. oh--yeah--and smart. she isn't popular in her grade, her group of friends (namely my friends) aren't. they are too smart and the jackasses of her grade pass with D's becuase no one wants to fail a great track star or football player. ugh--it is sickening. i was happy to ride home with amy.....
well, i might as well read some or go ride my bike to get my mind off the insanity that our band will soon hit. thank the Lord for people who are cool.

2003-07-20T22:14:00.000-05:00

sophmore soph·o·moren.
1.a. A second-year student in a U.S. college.
b. A tenth-grade student in a U.S. high school.
2. A person in the second year of carrying out an endeavor
my english teacher last year told out class not to use dictionary defintions. he also told us to find our own voice while circling half the things i would write and scribbling the abbreviations "AWK" over the sentence. well, i can have a voice with comma and grammar rules--a better voice indeed. but if anything at all in my style of writing comes out--it's crap to him because he doesn't like poetry. well, i'm a sophomore now--not a freshman. i'm out of his hands, and i say screw him.
joe tries to tell me that we're sophomores when we begin school. i disagree because i've already turned in one assignment, read a half of a book, and next week, it's pre-band camp, and i can't say i'm a freshman if there are new ones prancing around....
it's strange--i looked forward to tomorrow for the longest of times. but now, i'd rather stay home. i'd rather clean my room and get rid of the awful pictures of my "popular" friends in seventh grade. these pictures make me seem something i am not. i am seen in abercrombie shirts and awful things to fit in. i was so fricking stupid. finally i figured out, through another series of stupid events with a guy with no heart, that what i needed was to be an individual. i finally found me.
first look at me and you may think i'm a rebel, or a trouble maker, or maybe just normal. my brown hair has pink highlights while it's still okay--the damn school protects the nice, preppy, idoit bubble by denying me to dye my hair anyother color than brown, blonde, or a normal shade of red. but of course, on spirit day you can have blue hair. i like to wear pink, or green on spirit day and play in the pep band while talking with friends. really, with what i've got going on, you'd expect me to care. i've got pink hair, i'm a size 12 (but i don't think i look it--it's just how i'm built), and i like to wear bright band t-shirts, old 80s shirts, swim team shirts, and black pants. but....i'm on student council, i'm in band, i'm on bowling team, i'm a straight a sstudent with honors classes, and i do tech at plays. i don't do drugs, i don't smoke, and i don't drink. i'm not a goody-goody, it just doesn't interest me. getting high seems stupid, i'd rather listen to some depressing music or listen to harry potter tapes. oh yeah, i'm dorky-cool. that is what i suppose i call myself. i love harry potter, and i can read it over and over again. i play trombone--weird for a girl--and people seem to like me. it's just......
sometimes i don't like them....
people always talk about how they hate madeira. i don't hate madeira, most of it is quite nice. i hate half the people in it......it's the damn now-juniors that are sluts beyond my knowledge and the rude seniors. our grade is the best: which says a lot. most of them stuck up--drying their hair every morning and wearing their silver fake tiffany's bracelets that every single last one of them has. yeah, that's cool. it's sad that they all used to be my friends. that was before i liked different music that didn't fit. that was before i changed.
now i am stuck. with a few friends that i love, and a few friends i could deal without. i'm on a diet with my mom--weight watchers. right now, i would consider my mom my best friend. it makes me cry because she loves me so much, but then lately i've been over emotional due to hormone imbalances--namely pms.
who knows what this year could bring. hopefully, it's not as hard as it looks.